Tags: french

emilie autumn

Parlez-Vous Français?

 Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood nor any of it's characters, and I get no profit from this, other than a bit of extra time studying french in a much more interesting way. 

“Giant snails from space would attack on Gwens day off, and of course they would choose to possess a couple of French blokes.” Owen’s delayed comment rang in the otherwise tense warehouse air as the team waited for their Captain to resurrect.

“At least that telepathic field hasn’t had any effect on us! With our luck I thought they’d reduce us to vegetables.” Tosh added, a futile attempt at aiding the scientist in breaking the heavy silence.

Finally, finally, Jack gasped back to life, spitting up the violet-blue slime that the snail-like creature had suffocated him with before they’d managed to kill it and its companions. “I hate suffocating. Damn it! I’m going to have a migraine for hours.”

Ianto helped the Captain to his feet, frowning at the residue smeared all over the grey-blue coat. That was not going to come out easily. Still, “Tout est bien qui finit bien.”

“I didn’t know you spoke French!” Jack’s tone was accusatory to the point of a pout, as though he was a toddler that had been denied a treat.

“Je ne le parle pas.”

“Ianto, you’re speaking French.” Tosh watched as confusion swept across her friends face, even as delighted surprise crossed the Captains.

“No. No way! The telepathic field- you must have been hit with it somehow!” Tosh couldn’t help but wonder why Jack seemed happy about it.


Ianto’s eyes dashed between Tosh, typing away at her computer messing with the scanner that he was not allowed to take his hand off of while Owen inspected his throat, eyes, and ears carefully. He felt like a lab rat.

“There we go!” Tosh announced, the scanner beeped in agreement and narrowed to a view of only Iantos brain, lit up various shades of green and yellow, with a pulsing red dot clearly signifying whatever the hell was causing him to speak French.

“Oh-ho! Looks like those snails telepathic whatevers caught you right in the language skills! Ha, well that explains a lot. Nice trick, though why they’d try and make you speak French is beyond me…”

“I think they were just lashing out and their hosts language over shadowed Ianto’s, but is he hearing and understanding English?” Jack asked

“Oui.” Ianto replied, sick of being talked about rather than to. “La question est pouvez-vous résoudre ce problème?”

“Uh….” Owen and Tosh regarded him blankly.

“He asked if you could fix it.” Jack translated, adding “What? You don’t live in England for over a hundred years and not pick up French. “ When the rest of the team stared at him in surprise.

“Well I don’t know, yet. We should be able to rig a telepathic blocker somehow, and you having some psychic training from Torchwood will help, it’ll take some time.”

Ianto sighed angrily, and probably would have complained, but he figured it wasn’t worth making Jack translate it for them, so he just nodded heavily.

“Ianto. Ianto. Quit pacing, you are only distracting us!” Tosh finally told him off after watching the Welshman pace around and around them for nearly two hours.

“Je suis désolé Tosh, je ne sais pas quoi faire d'autre.”

“Yeah, I don’t know what you just said Frenchie, but why don’t you occupy yourself making some coffee for us, if you’re going to be a pest anyway?”

Ianto met Owens comment with a glare. “C'est du décaféiné pour toi,” he declared before heading for the coffee machine.

“Oi! I understood that!”

Ianto grinned to himself at the doctors reaction as he started up the coffee machine, choosing French Roast because the situation was clearly asking for it. He was just turning the machine on when arms wrapped themselves around his waist. “How are they doing?”

“Aucun progrès encore, mais ils travaillent dessus.” Ianto turned in Jacks arms to face him, meeting lust darkened eyes.

“I know it’s bad they haven’t figured this out yet, but do you have any idea how amazing you sound in French?”

“Non. Non Jack. Je ne suis pas d'humeur à ça.” Ianto pushed the older man away irritated, tiered, and above all fed up. He just wanted the day to be over, he was in no mood for what Jack clearly couldn’t get off his mind.

“Fine. Spoilsport.” Jack grumbled. “I swear speaking French should count as teasing.”

Ianto fixed the older man with his best withering stare. He would have insisted that it was not his fault out loud, but really, he didn’t want to get Jack over excited.

The Captain just continued to pout, sulking about the coffee machine until Ianto handed him his cup, at which point the Welshman’s choice of brew broke his mood, forcing a smirk onto the previously pouting face. “Nice choice.”

“Merci.” Ianto brushed his lips over Jack’s before quickly ducking around him to bring Tosh and Owen coffee.

“Definitely teasing.” Jack growled.


“I think we’ve got it!” Tosh announced, spinning around in her chair to grin at a groggy Ianto.

“Quoi?” he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and straightened his lapels, focusing on Tosh’s computer screen.

“I said, I think we’ve got it! It’s going to take some tweaking to your specific psychic frequency, but I think we can remove the lingering telepathic effects now by reversing the-“

“Oi! Tosh, the man doesn’t want all the techno-babble. Let’s just put him right yeah?”

“S'il vous plait.”

Ianto once again found himself seated in autopsy, hand on the scanner, not allowed to move, Owen fluttering about his him, checking vitals. “Okay mate, here’s how this is going to go, Tosh is going to send the signal through the scanner in reverse, so it should fix the issue as soon as it links with your psychic field. You shouldn’t feel anything, but we need to know when it starts working, so start rambling and we’ll know we’re there when we can understand you.”

Ianto’s first though was to just repeat a word over and over, but then he spotted Jack emerging from his office and his mischievous side kicked in. The second Owen told him to start talking he took off in rapid-fire French, louder than was necessary, and watched the Captains reaction.

Jack’s eyes widened in surprise and a wolfish grin spread across his face before he registered just why Ianto was talking. Then he sprinted towards autopsy.

“Il a vraiment d'horribles manières au lit. I mean, I don’t know why I keep coming back. Well I mean I guess that’s part of the reason I keep coming back-“

“We have English!” Owen crowed.

“Good as knew. And just out of curiosity Ianto, what were you rambling about?” Tosh asked stepping away from her keyboard to accept a thank you hug from Ianto.

“Oh just-“

“Hey!” Jack interrupted sharply, arriving in the small autopsy space. “Back in English I see!”

“Yes, and quite happy about it. It was unnerving thinking in one language and hearing another come out my mouth.”

“And on that note I am going home.” Owen called, heading for the door.

“Good job Owen, and you too Tosh. You guys can come in late tomorrow, it’s been a long night.”

Ianto and Jack watched their coworkers leave, calling goodbyes. As the door shut, the younger man turned to find Jack regarding him sadly. “You know, you could learn French, the old fashioned way.” The older man suggested hopefully.

“Oh, you know I don’t think I’ll have to. I can speak English now, but the French meanings sort of… stuck.”

“What do you mean stuck?

“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, monsieur?”


“Tout est bien qui finit bien.” –All’s well that ends well
“Je ne le parle pas.”- I don’t speak it.
“Merde.” - Shit
“La question est pouvez-vous résoudre ce problème?” - The question is can you fix it?
“Je suis désolé Tosh, je ne sais pas quoi faire d'autre.” –I’m sorry Tosh, I don’t know what else to do.
“C'est du décaféiné pour toi,” – It’s decaf for you.
“Aucun progrès encore, mais ils travaillent dessus.” – No progress yet but they are working on it.
“Non. Non Jack. Je ne suis pas d'humeur à ça.”- No. No Jack. I’m not in the mood for it.
“Merci.” – Thank You
“Quoi?” – What?
“S'il vous plait.”-Please
“Il a vraiment d'horribles manières au lit.” – he really does have horrible manners in bed
“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, monsieur?” - Would you sleep with me, sir?
I apologize for any mistakes XD My french isn't very good, but this was the best study option I could think of =D